Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
