I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
