so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
