when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
