can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
