i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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