i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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