the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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