My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
