I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
