What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
