I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
