when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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