butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
