Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize