I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
