I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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