Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
