He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
