He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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