I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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