When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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