Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
