how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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