mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i barfeds in our rink
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
