You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
