o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
