Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
