Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You are the jesus of drinking
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize