If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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