I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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