I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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