Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
