there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
