70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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