so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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