Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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