I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
