How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Panties = found
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
