id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
