I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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