I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
