May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
