My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
