You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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