I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
