After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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