You're my little dorito
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Randomize
