That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
