You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dicks are not precious.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
