He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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