Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I can text with my tongue
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
