sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
