you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
