Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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