I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
