so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize