it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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