i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am mentally ready for anal.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
