oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
