Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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