Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize