if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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