She tied me up with her honor cords...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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