tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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