Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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